last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
