I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Your cock deserves a montage
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The uberlube is also flammable
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
