worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
