So drunk its hurt
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
two words...techno handjob
We are two peas in an std pod
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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