and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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