he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
