I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
