btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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