I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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