Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
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He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
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A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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