win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
