i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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