I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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