we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
