god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
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So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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