And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
my liver is dry heaving
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
