im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
