if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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