I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
