I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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