Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
