I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.