it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
