Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We just shotgunned beers for America
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
