I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
