my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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