I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
