So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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