tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
