I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The beer is more important than you right now.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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