Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
