There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
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She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
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I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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