I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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