Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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