Welp...herpes.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
