evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.