barbara walters just said penis...
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho