i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
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I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
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My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos