im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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