I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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