I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
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