If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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