Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Actions speak louder than pants.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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