I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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