Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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