It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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