I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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