If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
