The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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