There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
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Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
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I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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