I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
What a dumb baby whore.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
