If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
