Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
