Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
