he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
