If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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