my mouth tastes like poor choices
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
