Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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