I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
