I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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