I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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